Do you ever get tired of hearing the same speech? You know, the promises, the acts of kindness that go un-noticed, the harsh words and everything is simply “your fault”, the conditional love that states, “if you do it again, then it’s over”.
If you are familiar with these over worded sentences, then why do people continue talking and talking and promising, and then fail to do what they have promised?
Stop talking and “just do”! Actions speak louder than words.
I am a huge believer in marriage. I believe when two people are joined, they become one. This is not my rule, but this is a covenant with God and a promise between two people who choose to marry. If a spouse has promised to love their partner, and love unconditionally, why is it that this promise sometimes lies void after time?
There are many beautiful reasons for marriage, and the main one is LOVE. To love unconditionally as Christ loves His children. On the other hand, there are also many reasons why couples divorce – and God hates divorce. *Divorce is another topic altogether, and no one can judge a person or couple for their reason for divorce*. However, if a couple admit to loving each other, why is it so difficult for them to act out their love and just get on with it? The famous saying, which is far from the truth, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me!” I am not sure if the person who created those lyrics were ‘high’ during the time, or weren’t too confident about the power of a man’s words, once they have been spoken out loud.
I am not writing this post today to point fingers at married couples, but what I have witnessed in the last few months how married couples choose to treat their partners has been a massive eye opener, included is heart ache and just an absolute hunger for the hope of marriages surviving in today’s society. To be honest, if there are no “real issues or reasons” for a couple to part their separate ways, why is it so difficult for so many individuals in a marriage to play their part in their relationship and survive in their life time together – happily? Let’s get real here, there is no wedding I have ever attended, or scene played in a movie, or pictures where a couple stands alone repeating their vows to the Pastor! I have also never seen a bride or groom kiss ‘fresh air’ once they have been pronounced “husband and wife”! I have also never witnessed the bride and groom walking down the aisle separately afterwards – but they walk hand in hand, together! So why is it that down the line, their paths start separating? Their views change, their morals detour and their new invested interests are sought after elsewhere?
Why? Who is blamed for the break up or life time of unhappiness?
I am very aware that every couple faces hardship, there isn’t a question of doubt, but if a couple are facing the same issues daily or weekly, and continue discussing their frustrations, why can it not be solved once and for all, and together they continue working at it to help one another? Why should it be left to the one spouse to handle the baggage and hope for the light at the end of the tunnel, and through all the pain, hope that the light he/she sees is not another train coming toward him/her for further disappointment or heartache?
I am really exasperated by people’s incapacity to see the bigger picture in their relationship. One is so quick to judge another’s relationship or verbalise faults, but they themselves can not look deep enough to see their own fatal destruction within their own relationship.
There are endless discussions, counsellors, books and television shows that talk about successful relationships, respecting one’s spouse through every trial in life, loving one another, placing their spouse first (even before the kids) – it is blatant truth, but for some reason, for some individuals it’s impossible to do.
Does it just boil down to the raw act of selfishness?
I read a quote the other day from an elderly couple who were celebrating their Golden mile anniversary, and their words sum up my questions in a nutshell, “We lived in a time when we had to fix what was broken. We didn’t throw them away and get new ones”.
Here are a few guidelines / tips for both husbands and wives which I have put together. (They are my views, personal opinions, and topics I have heard others talk about that cause problems in their own marriages).
Perhaps some of these points may highlight some areas in your own relationships where you may have to work a little more in depth to create a happy marriage and living arrangement for both YOU and your PARTNER, for life!
1. Respect your husband. Do not insult his behaviour, question his every move, or discuss your marriage and irritations with friends. If your friends are married, they too have their issues to deal with. Do not soak your negatives in a pool of doubt. It does not help anyone or any relationship. If there is loyalty and trust in your relationship, you have already gained victory in this area. Support and encourage your husband daily. If trust has been broken, then this issue needs to be supported each and every day until the level of trust has been repaired, with kindness, practise AND patience.
2. Don’t nag! If there is no urgent reason, other than to say “Hello and I love you” during the day, do not hound your husband at work. He is there to function in order to bring home a salary to provide for his family. When he arrives home and settled down, there is a time to discuss certain issues, if it is too late, be patient (if possible!) and discuss these issues at a suitable time for both of you. If the same thing is occurring and nothing is done, place a note in front of the fridge where it is visible – trust me, he will eventually get to it or make time to sort it out! Sometimes what is important to you, may not be critically important to him in that moment!
3. Expenses! This is always a reason for hyped conversation! If there are financial concerns, take it easy with the expenses. The more mindful you are of your expenditures, the less arguments will follow later. If your friends are grouping at the Spa each week, do not stop joining them, but perhaps cut down your appointments. You are in competition with no one.
4. There is a time for everything. A time for discussing work, spending time with the kids, catching up with work which couldn’t be finished in the office (I don’t personally agree with work that is brought home, but in some instances it has to), social networks & games, personal time, and then there is the time for each other. This time is crucial and should be set aside EVERY DAY. A day should never end until both of you have had time together, which includes some good laughs and loves.
5. Close the mouth to complaints! Like I said earlier, a nagging wife is a tiring wife! Life is difficult as it is, work together and together you will accomplish more.
6. Do not compare. There is nothing worse than being compared to an ex, friend or your father. You married your husband for the reasons you did. Do not try to change him, but love him and being happy together = marriage power and lasting love!
1. Laziness. We understand you are tired after a long day, and then still have to spend time with the kids and get updated with the daily news on the home front, but your wife is just as busy as you are! You are capable of taking your dishes to the sink AND rinse them out. Your wife is there to uphold the house affairs, she is not the maid! Lying on the couch the minute you walk through the door, can also be a direct response to, “that’s me! I am done for the day!” Once you are in the horizontal position, it is very difficult to get up and help.
2. Words of kindness. Remember the dog is not your spouse. It is okay to speak to your wife as excited as you speak to the dog! It is also okay to say, “Thank you” or “you look nice today”, instead of gazing at her and reminding her that her bum looked smaller last week than it does today. There is nothing more attractive than a woman who wears confidence – if you want a gorgeous wife, work with her to boost her confidence as well. In turn she will boost your ego! (And almost every man I know loves his ego stroked).
3. Porn. This is a vast controversy in many relationships! And yes, it has lead to many divorce battles and nights of tears and anger. It is NOT OKAY to receive emails of naked woman or search the internet to drool over woman! No matter how “normal this may seem to you”. I understand we have been given eyes to see beauty, so use them for seeing the beauty around you and focus on your wife! Pornography, in any form, is not acceptable. If your wife is not as sexy to you as she used to be, truth is, you may have also changed over the years. Porn is porn, if you need to look at something to waste time or make you feel better, go for a walk in the garden or plant some roses. Porn is out. End of discussion.
4. Your wife is your partner, through everything. Remember the saying, “behind every successful man is a good woman?” But there is a time for work speeches and discussions. Bedtime is not the time to be discussing other woman or what events happen at work, and who said what to who! The bedroom is for the couple sharing the bed. Pillow talk is the best talk. There should be no thought of work or anyone else when the lights go out.
5. As also mentioned to the wives, do not discuss your relationship aggravations with work colleagues, your boss, or friends. Nobody cares about your problems. And remember, if you hear your colleagues talking vulgar about their own spouse or flirting with another, it shows a huge reflection of who they really are, so ask yourself this, “what are they saying to others about YOU”? People love gossip, so give them positive gossip! You will be respected widely among others, and will set yourself apart from the “rest”.
6. Conversation. This is a huge downfall in many relationships. If you have both discussed something, keep to your word. Stop bringing back the past. You have been called to LOVE your wife. So just do it.
For BOTH husband and wife – Sometimes the best deal breaker is to set a date for ‘ME time”. Sometimes being a part for a while does one the world of good. For sure you are a team, but you both need your own space once in a while.
Perhaps start a hobby, sport, or make a friend date and go out – alone. It is healthy to be able to spend time a part and enjoy your own company, or with friends. (I do not believe in “Girls or Boys NIGHTS out!”, this is each couple’s personal choice and should be discussed maturely before making arrangements with the other girls or boys!)
And, the most beautiful verse of all time is :
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-7New International Version (NIV)
No marriage is easy. Nobody wants to be in a relationship where there is hard work every day! If this is you, and your marriage is fragile – start looking at yourself first before pointing the blame finger. Ask yourself, “what can I do to make a difference to be a better partner?” Nobody marries the perfect partner. You need to become the perfect partner to your spouse. If you still love your spouse, then there should be no further discussion about who is doing what and who isn’t doing this or that, because BOTH will be doing everything they can to sustain a healthy marriage and life style and keep making one another happy.
Life is too short for complication. Be simple with your daily demands and requests, but through everything, your spouse comes first. If each person is doing their fair share, plus more, in their relationship, there will be fewer divorces, perhaps even fewer people getting married – because as far as I am concerned, marriage is not for sissies! If you are not 1000% committed to your love with each other for the right reasons, don’t commit.
Enjoy your spouse, be kind toward one another. Be mindful of each others needs and serve one another in love and kindness. Pure love does not give way to destruction.
Each person deserves real life love and to share real life love.
Love and God Bless,
Website : lifetotell.com
Email : firstname.lastname@example.org